A PUNCHLINE SHY OF A JOKE
Original material Copyright © 1999, 2015 by Jim Hull
(Please cite the author if you quote from this work)
Remember those little sarcasms about people who aren't too bright? Like:
--Missing a few cards from his deck.
--The lights are on, but nobody's home.
--Not running on all cylinders.
--One wheel's in the sand.
...Well, from the fathomless depths of that cornucopia of humor, The Internet, I recently received the following mail:
"POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY 'STUPID'
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
Her slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean."
...Inspired by this vapid silliness, and eager to pollute the Net with yet more drivel, I dug right in and came up with a few euphemisms of my own:
--A few watts shy of a night light.
--Missing a few tracks on his CD.
--When she sneezes, her head collapses.
--Answers to "Moo."
--A few votes shy of a quorum.
--His book's missing a few pages.
--When he writes his name, his lips move.
--A few hors d'oeuvres shy of a party.
--He's firing on all six neurons.
--Too many brownouts in her power grid.
--Not enough fuel in his pilot light.
--Gets lost counting on her fingers.
--Put him on a football field and he grazes.
--Antenna's pointing the wrong way.
--Not enough runway for takeoff.
--A few genes short of a human.
--A few shelves missing from her library.
--Sold his car to buy gas.
--Scientists use his head as a perfect vacuum.
--She's like a clock that's right twice a day.
--A few papers shy of a news rack.
--She's missing a battery in her flashlight.
--About a quart low.
--Just a couple molecules shy of his first brain cell.
--Last night was warmer than her IQ.
--On days off, he laughs at jokes told at work.
--Your words echo out of his ears.
--Can remember where she lives.
--Plug him in and nothing happens.
--Her shoelaces are tied together.
--His forehead's a beginner's slope.
--Gets lost at home.
--Tends to scratch his armpits and eat bananas.
--Couldn't find a parking space in an empty lot.
--She'd trade up, but can't get anything for her old brain.
--In a roomful of chimps he'd be the last to escape.
--His picture's in the dictionary next to "dumb."
--Is bilingual: English and grunting.
--Flunked nursery school.
--If her brain were a car, you'd beat it walking.
--Needs a "Restart" button.
--His IQ is almost in double digits.
--She might drown in a puddle.
--His dog keeps him on a short leash.
--When the ear doc looks in his ear, he sees the far wall.
--Microscopes still search for her brain.
--Spits out his gum before walking.
--Thinks Jar-Jar Binks is a genius.
...Okay, so I'm a punchline short of a joke. If you've got better, it's your turn! Think up some good ones, and I just might publish them right here - at the bottom of this article, emblazoned with your name - which should get you about 0.8 minutes out of your alloted 15 minutes of fame.
If you find any part of this work quoted without credit to the author, please let him know! Thank you. email@example.com
...And readers fire off their best shots!
--The elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
--A few tacos short of a combination plate.
--Somebody blew out his pilot light.
--He plays hockey with a warped puck.
--You have splinters in the Windmills of Your Mind.
--As thick as two short planks.
Tom Key, Esq.:
--A queen shy of an ant hill.
--A Tonic-and-Bitters, hold the Tonic.
--A few floors short of the Pant house.
--A few holes in his screen door.
Robert Daniel, AIA:
--A few bricks shy of a full load.
--He's a pretty dim bulb.
--Will only buy snake oil.
Donna Milton (forwarded; credit http://www.Topfive.com )
--The Top 14 New Euphemisms for "Stupid"
14> Routinely outsmarted by cheese
13> Three experts short of an antitrust suit
12> Three-time Darwin Award winner
11> Keeps her brain in mint condition
10> A few planets short of a federation
9> Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
8> Duh! on parade
7> Still cutting with rounded scissors
6> He's a T-1 line of pure stupid
5> At least one Brady short of a Bunch
4> Sharp as a donut
3> Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2> T minus dumb and counting
...and Topfive.com's Number 1 New Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1> "Good afternoon, Boulder Homicide"
But caveat auctor: Jim reserves the right to put your little screed on his Web site! (And he has no dignity about this, so be careful what you say...)
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