So far, credit card companies have offered us Silver Cards, Gold Cards, and Platinum Cards. What could be next, except PLUTONIUM CARDS?!

I've got a friend who's SO FAT... he tried a rowing machine, but it sank.

How do you get service in a magic store? ... Take a number, but don't show it to anyone.

"When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep. Like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror, like the passengers in his car."

"WANTED: charcoal salesman. Must be a self-starter."

First man: "You ain't got no culture."

Second man: "Oh yeah? Well, the only culture you've got is bacterial."

Celeste Jones, on hearing that some men always know where north is: "That's interesting, because I always know where Nordstrom is."

Under-Achievers Anonymous has an 11-step program.

Why do corporate honchos like to slap their assistants on the back? ... Before they stab them in the back, they like to tenderize the meat.