Copyright 2001, 2015 by Jim Hull

(Please cite the author if you quote from this work)


Mr. Suzanne Whull

[address withheld]

Dear Mr. Suzanne Whull:

It is with the very greatest pleasure that the Swami Jimbo Ashram restores its annual gift drive on behalf of Swami Jimbo --er, on behalf of the Ashram's Good Works outreach program, which, as always, needs your help! Most of the great pleasure is, of course, Swami's, but we at the Ashram know our duty, which is to find as many goodies for him as we --er, to find as many contributions as we can in support of the Ashram's ongoing worthwhile activities.

Why has it been four years since you last heard from us, Mr. Suzanne Whull? Well, for one thing, silence is bliss, don't you think? And for another, Swamiji has been quite busy playing --er, touring the world, searching for those less spiritually fortunate than himself, with whom he can play God --er, with whom he can assist in their efforts to reduce their own bad karma. All this Good Work takes its toll, and Swamiji must replenish his bank account --er, refresh the resources of the Ashram so that it might continue in its service to the world.

And this is where you come in! The Ashram's needs are always so great, and each mailing-list target --er, each of Swami's beloved supporters has only limited resources! And, of course, these are challenging times for America, what with crashing airplanes and exploding Taliban and all. So, in an effort to help get America back on its feet, we are offering ZERO PERCENT INTEREST on --er, sorry, that's for a different mailing list -- we're asking each of you to make a small contribution to the Ashram, either in the form of a tax-deductible donation of cash or by giving some item of value. A list of suggestions has been provided, below, for your convenience. Your convenience is always topmost on Swami's mind, at least until he has your contribution in hand --er, at least until he knows you walk the righteous path.

We are ever so grateful for your charitable help at this time of year. Swami has asked me to extend his personal thanks to you, Mr. Suzanne Whull, and his blessings are also upon you, should you prove wise enough --er, kind enough to make a contribution to his lifestyle --er, to the Ashram's Good Works outreach program.

On behalf of His Holiness, Sri Swami Suchabanana Rama Jimbo Propaganda, I wish you the merriest of holiday seasons and thank you in advance for your contribution. (You WILL contribute, won't you? There's a good fellow.)



Maya Peephole Satonamat,

Executive Factotum




--PILES OF CASH -- Swami does not wish to circumscribe the generosity of his congregation, and so he has decided to suggest a suitably generous sum, any portion of which you may contribute, to your greater karmic glory.

--SPORT-UTILITY VEHICLE -- Swami has been puttering around in his old hatchback for many, many years, and while this is most commendable in terms of the conservation of resources, we underlings at the Ashram prevailed upon him, once again, to make this request of his parishioners. Perhaps YOU, Mr. Suzanne Whull, are the generous donor who will improve Swami's transportation situation! Remember, such a contribution will be sure to improve your CAR-ma.

--PORTABLE ELECTRONIC KEYBOARD -- Swami believes that music is a pathway to the highest spirituality. He also believes that late-night piano practice in an apartment setting will result in petty lawsuits brought against him in court. To that end, Swami reluctantly sold his beloved piano and now searches, far and wide, for an electronic replacement, one which he might use with headphones, thereby failing to disturb his neighbors. And he has found some likely candidates! Each has a full 88 keys, and each can be plugged into convenient aural conversion devices, from earphones to guitar amplifiers. One is the YAMAHA P80 portable keyboard ($995 at Waltrip's Music, 1271 S. Baldwin Ave., Arcadia, 626-447-7414). Another is the TECHNICS P50 portable keyboard ($1095 at Waltrip's Music, 1271 S. Baldwin Ave., Arcadia, 626-447-7414). Less desirable, on account of its lack of "piano touch" weighted keys, is the ROLAND EP90 ($1095 at Dekarr Music, 1252 E. Colorado Blvd., Pasadena, 626-577-9315). There may be other "good deals," as you say in the West, but Swami's assistants have not quite completed their search, and they will, of course, send along any last-minute information to those donors who wish to know more. Suffice it to say that the above three electronic keyboards are likely the only portable items available in the marketplace today.

--AERON CHAIR -- These chairs are most efficient, infinitely adjustable, and kind to Swami's back. They are a bit dear ($650), but nearly every modern film with an office scene shows an actor sitting in one, so why not Swami, too?

--FUTON COUCH -- Swami recently moved his Ashram to "new digs," as you love to say in America, and his anteroom is seriously lacking in furnishings. Much as Swami deplores the rampant materialism that sequesters the souls of most Americans, still he is cognizant of the import people place on first impressions. Therefore it is incumbent on all of us to do what we can to improve the appearance of Swami's living room --er, of the Ashram. A futon couch will provide cozy seating for Swami and his lady friends --er, will provide a comfortable place where visitors may rest before receiving audience with Swami. The couch would also convert into a bed in the event Swami has two ladies visiting at once --er, in the event a wandering mendicant obliges Swami to offer him shelter for the evening.

--BOOKSHELF -- The Ashram is seriously lacking in shelf space for books! A low-profile shelf, three feet tall by perhaps four feet in length, would also allow Swami to place certain useful books at a less inconvenient remove from his desk. Swami is quite the reader! (If you doubt it, he is always happy to prove it with a lengthy disquisition upon his various fields of expertise. But I would advise against that, suggesting instead that you simply donate the bookshelf. You will find this a much more restful option.)

--TOASTER -- Swami Jimbo likes a piece of toast now and again. But he does not own a toaster! And yet there are so many toasters about: brides acquire more than they need; bridesmaids often receive toasters from brides; anyone who has ever opened a checking account will, at some point, have received a toaster for his or her troubles. But Swamiji is unmarried, and for some reason banks wish to have little to do with him. Ergo, Swami needs a toaster.

--SHEETS AND PILLOWCASES -- Swamiji must not, under any circumstances, catch cold or otherwise ail! This would cause untoward ripples in the cosmic consciousness, not to mention a loss of productivity on the part of Swami himself. To this end, it is incumbent upon supporters of the Ashram to provide ample bedding for the poor, tired bones of the Swami. He has dutifully slept upon the same bedsheets for lo these many years, and it would delight him to no good end --er, it would delight him no end if he might lie back, finally, upon fresh sheets that are, in point of fact, factory-new. Swami sleeps upon a FULL-SIZED mattress, so any contributors surely need to bear in mind the correct size of the item. (Also, he prefers a Southwest motif, but that is strictly of an optional nature. Swami is never one to look a gift-horse in the rear, or however the saying goes.)

--YORK PEPPERMINT PATTIES -- The more, the merrier, Swami says, and though some of us deplore his intense sweet tooth, we must acknowledge that these candies are a low-fat food. Also, when he is hip-deep in patties, Swami seems to be much less cranky around the office. So, please!

--PENTEL ROLLING WRITER PENS -- These pens are, quite simply, Swamiji's favorite writing tool, so much so that he will hardly write at all unless with one of these wonderful, wide-point implements. Available at major office-supply stores in boxes of one dozen. Black or Red.

--PURE & NATURAL SOAP -- This bar soap, easily obtainable at grocery stores, contains Swami Jimbo's favorite soapy scent. Let's keep Swami clean!

--PILES OF CASH -- Do I repeat myself? Dear me.



If you find any part of this work quoted without credit to the author, please let him know! Thank you. jimhull@jimhull.com



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