Mr. Suzanne Whull

[address withheld]

Dear Mr. Whull:

Once again it's time to ponder the holiday gift-buying problem. Yet why think of it as a problem when Sri Swami Suchabanana Rama Jimbo Propaganda takes the worry out of shopping with his exclusive mail-order wish list?

Our records indicate that, thanks to your generosity, Mr. Whull, Swami is now able to access advanced computer technology that will improve and simplify his efforts on behalf of humanity. But Swami now realizes that there are one or two electronic toys --er, marvels that would ease even further the burdens of communicating with his legions of followers. Those items top Swami Jimbo's wish list this year.

As you read through the following, consider carefully how each suggestion represents an opportunity for you to contribute lovingly to others (especially Swami). Don't forget also that you receive karmic "brownie points" every time you contribute. This should help speed your own journey through the wilderness of reincarnation.

Without further ado, here are the suggestions, featuring the patented mail-order wish list :

• CD-ROM. This technical marvel attaches to any Macintosh computer and increases the storage/retrieval capacity four hundred-fold!! Swami wishes to peruse the many CDs available that contain innumerable articles, books, illustrations and sound bites on a large number of topics. This will help Swami increase his knowledge of the physical plane of existence, which in turn will enable him to more fully assist others in their searches for contentment. Of course, your gift would also be available to the person from whom Swami borrows the computer he currently uses. No doubt that person would benefit as well from the many CDs available on such diverse topics as history, culture, feminism, etc. $300 and up.
• FAX COPIER. The latest in technology, this machine would help Swami communicate with his devotees and copy documents of interest. More and more of his disciples own fax machines: instant transmittal of papers would come in quite handy, while the copy function would enable Swami to reproduce articles he would like to retain for his own files. Very useful! $250 and up.
• FROM THE BIG BANG TO PLANET X: The 50 Most-Asked Questions About the Universe . . . and Their Answers, by Terence Dickinson. Part of Swami's continuing education. $13.
• "ROAD CONSTRUCTION AHEAD." A children's video about building highways; also suitable for adults. First of a new series of popular educational videos. Appeals to the kid in Swami. Focus Video (1-800-843-3686). $20.
• CHIEF JOSEPH ROBE BLANKET. Swami needs to keep warm on chilly nights. Color choice: blue. Eddy Bauer catalog, p. 64, $150.
• LAMINATED CALIFORNIA MAP. A Raven map. Accurate, colorful, informative. Real Goods catalog, p. 9, $49.
• BRIGHT EYES HANDS-FREE FLASHLIGHT. Swami can do fix-it at night! Real Goods catalog, p. 31, $15.
• POCKET SURVIVAL TOOL. Looks pretty useful to Swami! Real Goods catalog, p. 31, $45.
• SOLAR CAR VENTILATOR. Attaches to window, keeps Swami's car cool when parked in the sun. Helps Swami to stay collected and meditative, rather than hot and bothered. Hard-to-Find Tools catalog, p. 24, $40.
• AUTO SEAT CUSHION. Swami's driver seat is getting worn out; here's one way to protect what's left of the fabric and give lumbar support to the Bodhisattva's back. Hard-to-Find Tools catalog, blue, p. 25, $45.
• POCKET WRENCH. Hard-to-Find catalog, p. 50, $10.
• SIX-BIT SCREWDRIVER. Hard-to-Find catalog, p. 50, $12.50.
• 6-IN-1 WONDER TOOL. Hard-to-Find catalog, p. 50, $15.
• MULTI-TOOL HAMMER/SCREWDRIVER. Hard-to-Find catalog, p. 51, $10.
• FLYING TIGER LEATHER JACKET. Swami loves his black leather jacket, but if he had his druthers, he'd own a brown fighter-pilot jacket, too! Tall, insulated, brown, weathered or original style. L.L. Bean catalog, p. 69, $255/$265.
• BEADED BELT. Swami hasn't had one of these since he was a kid! And he sure needs extra belts to hold up his pants, being as how he's so skinny and all ...... Specify size 34. L.L. Bean catalog, p. 91, $34.
• PRESIDENTIAL ROCKING CHAIR. Swami is eternal, of course, but his body is temporary, and as it ages it enjoys the simple comforts of life, like this lovely rocker. L.L. Bean catalog, p. 240, $225 plus $30 shipping. Cushions, $39.50.
• BEAVER STATE BLANKET. Pretty! Perhaps an alternative to the Chief Joseph blanket mentioned above, it's in the L.L. Bean catalog, p. 244, $140.
• A LOT OF MONEY. Sri Swami Jimbo is wealthy in bliss and enlightenment. However, while he visits this level of reality immediately beneath the Astral plane, he must deal with practicalities. Therefore, generous contributions to the Swami Jimbo Ashram, Dude Ranch, Fat Farm and Auto Retread Tire Center are always greatly appreciated! Remember: the money you give will return to you many-fold in the form of good karma!

. . . As you can see, there are so many ways to contribute to the Ashram, choices for every taste and pocketbook! This is by no means an exhaustive list of Swami's needs. Heavens, no! But these are the most important that come to Swami's mind as the season of good cheer approaches. On Christmas Day, Swami looks forward to finding something from you under the tree!

Meanwhile, may the peace of the season be upon you and yours, and may all your instant karma be good!

4 catalogs enclosed and bookmarked